Parenting

Pregnancy Loss: You are Not Alone

One year ago last night, I found out that our family would be welcoming a new member to our family.

I was scared. I was excited. I was anxious. I was thrilled. I was petrified. I was every emotion of happy and afraid all at once.

We would be having our 4th child. We would go from a family of 5 to a family of 6 – something I had told hubby from the very start that I always wanted.

Our oldest child was 12, our youngest 5. It would be a large age gap from both ends and we would be starting over, but it was okay. It was supposed to be this way.

I would have a new bundle to hold and love and care for. My kids would be getting another sibling.

But, we had no room. Our youngest was already bed sharing with us. Where would we put another baby?

Our car was cramped as it was. We didn’t have room for another.

There were things we had to do and decisions we would have to make in the following 9 months to ensure we were ready.

Everything would be okay. Another baby. Another blessing. The perfect rounding out of our family. I couldn’t wait!

I went through and started preparing. It was early, but I wasn’t worried. I had 3 previous pregnancies. I had 3 wonderful, healthy kids already. There was no worry.

I started making baby registries, we started talking names. I was so happy.

This baby was so well loved already – just from those positive pregnancy tests {3 to be exact}.

Little did I know that all this would later just be a figment of my imagination. A dream. Looking back, it seems like it was forever ago. Looking back, it doesn’t feel like it happened at all. Looking back if feels like it wasn’t real. Looking back, my heart still hurts for that baby that I never got to meet.

It wasn’t meant to be.

It sucks.

It hurts.

I hate it.

Not a day goes back that I don’t think about it at least for a moment.

I get it. I do.

People don’t want to talk about it. It’s a taboo subject. They don’t know what to say. They don’t want to cause pain.

People need to talk about it.

I know that I am not alone. I know that there are too many women out there who have suffered the loss of a child, of a baby, of a pregnancy. Yet, when it is us, we feel so alone. So deeply lonely.

We don’t know who to turn to. We don’t know who to ask our questions too. We are scared. We are hurt. We are lost.

I walked through those weeks – scared, confused, hurt, angry – every negative or sad emotion you can name. I walked alone because I didn’t know who to turn too. Who would understand. Who would want to talk about it with me.

Now, a year later, I still hurt. I’m still lonely. I feel like I am the only one who remembers that baby who I loved so much. No one else remembers them. No one else remembers the excitement or the anxiety of preparing for another baby. No one else remembers the pain of losing that baby and that pregnancy. But I do.

I know there are others out there. You are the reason I write. You are the reason I share. I may go through the pain and the suffering alone, but I want you to know that I have been there. I understand. You are not alone. I am here. I am always here.

Message me, email me, text me – hunt me down – because I am here for you. I understand you. I understand your loss. I do not want you to be lonely. I don’t want you to suffer alone. I want to remember you, and your loss, and your baby. I want to talk with you about them and not make you feel ashamed or like they are forgotten.

Baby C is not forgotten – at least not to me. And I will try hard to not let anyone else forget because pregnancy loss is something we need to talk about.

No woman should go through it scared and alone with no where to turn and no answers to her questions. It’s not right.

So with that, I step off my high horse.

I release a big sigh of relief for putting it out there.

I remind you once again that you are not alone. I am with you.

Always,

Miz B

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